This is my first Mother's Day! I didn't even realize until
my husband (and later his aunt) mentioned it this week. Maybe it was because I
spent years assiduously avoiding this holiday. I had a long, sad and (mostly
lonely) road to motherhood. It felt like one more trumped-up moment to make me
feel lacking, rife with clichés and shallow assumptions about what motherhood
should be, upon immigrating to the US.
Now that I am a mamá to a glorious little 5 and a
half-months old son, I approach my first Mother's Day with deep gratitude. I
don't want brunch, a BBQ or a tea party. One of these 10 things (or less) would
be (or would have been) more of a treat. Maybe you or someone you know, as a
new mom, can relate to these too.
The Contradictions of Mother's Day
It's not just me. Right? Mother's Day can feel weird,
especially for someone who migrated from a small town in a developing country
across the world to one of the biggest cities in world. Its not because it is
a twisted, commercialized version of the
original holiday, which was a day of political protest against war. There is
something inadequate and insulting about assigning just one day to celebrate
one of the most relentless, life-sustaining jobs there is, and something
conflicted about a day to reward a task that is actually a privilege and a joy
(and desperately desired by many like myself, who had a long road to get
there), implying that moms need to be petted back (one day in a whole
year!) into submission for another year of taking care of their families. The
clichés of Mother's Day also made me wrinkle my nose. Who decreed that once a
woman becomes a mother, all she wants for this yearly appreciation is a brunch
with scones, bouquets, greeting cards and flowered teapots?
The contradictions of Mother's Day make my head hurt, so my
solution this year, on my very first, is to just ignore them. I am making my
own peace with the holiday, trying to take the weight of all those years off it
and just enjoy it as another Sunday with my husband, son, our loving elders and
cousins. Propping him up on pillows in bed in the morning and babbling at him
in baby talk and songs, and letting my husband bring coffee and breakfast in
the morning (which, to be honest, he does religiously every day anyway. I am so
lucky!). Ignore the clichés and commercialism; here are a few thoughts on what
I (and maybe other brand-new moms) actually want on Mother's Day.
10 Things New Moms Actually look
forward to on Mother's Day:
These 10 things are aimed quite specifically at new moms,
those in that crazy rush of the first year tending to this tiny being with all
their incessant demands. What do new moms actually want on this weird,
inadequate holiday, in the kitchen and out of it:
1. For someone to wash her sheets
(maybe vacuum her bedroom): From the time we brought our baby home, I would have been
outwardly mortified but inwardly gleeful, if someone had taken charge of
changing and washing my bedsheets and pillow covers. They got so gunky
with baby spit-up, milk, and other unmentionable things. Truly, unmentionable.
You do not want to know how gross new parents' bedsheets are. Just wash and
watch them weep.
2. Some nice traditional old
fashioned dal and roti.
Ok. This is the confession of a vegetarian mom. Our aunt was
gracious enough to bring some nice home cooked dal, fish and green vegetables
for the starving new parents. They were filling, satisfying and hearty. I wish
someone would have cooked up a whole pot of plain old dal (moong dal)
and stored it in the freezer for me. This shall vary depending on your taste
buds, diet and cravings. You cannot imagine how much pizza, Chinese and
McDonald's we had to eat in the initial weeks to survive...
3. What will make my soulmate
happy.
My husband is a true and equal partner, and often so much
more, in caring for our son (and me). While Father's Day is just around the
corner, on Mother's Day, I also wish for him to feel refreshed and taken care
of. His energy goes to care for the whole family, while I am at home taking
care of our son. It's like a family asset.
4. Something fresh and cold to drink.
Fizzy water with fresh fruits, a smoothie, fresh juice,
basically anything that is hydrating and refreshing. My husband stashed a
couple of fresh juices in our fridge one day and I guzzled them, while nursing,
like a special treat. A jar of kombucha, a special bottle of mineral water,
some almond or cashew milk, a homemade juice, nursing moms are almost
constantly thirsty and appreciate something fresh and home made to drink.
5. At least a week of breakfast.
Everyone thinks to bring dinner to new parents, but what
about breakfast. Breakfast is what we need when we are at our most vulnerable.
If someone had stocked our freezer with breakfast sandwiches or
frittatas or whatever a healthy version of vegetarian breakfast looks like, I
would have hugged and kissed them, sloppily.
6. A nursing station clean up.
When you are nursing a new baby all day, you probably have
your spot. Its the place you sit in half the day, hopefully with a
TV remote and iPhone charger close to hand. I have a futon in the living room
with ottomans, my lip balm, lotion and burp rags stashed near it in a dresser.
This is where I ate every meal and drank my coffee. By the time our son was a
month old, the cushions, futon cover and the floor beneath were littered with
crumbs, baby discharges and in dire need of a clean-up. Next time I have a
friend or family member with a new baby, I am going to find her nursing spot,
vacuum and dust it up, and then restock it with bottled water and treats.
Sadly, I had no one to do that for me, before we came back home from the
hospital or even later.
7. For no one (and I mean no one!) to
walk through the door without food.
This is for the newest of new moms (and dads), if you go to
visit a new parent(s) and do not take food (preferably home cooked), you are
missing the obvious. I don't even care if it's a box of crackers or a bunch of
bananas, just bring something edible and healthy along.
8. Flowers and tiny decorations (like
inspirational quotes), everywhere.
Sadly, again we did not have anyone to leave flowers and
decorations all over our house, when we came home from the hospital. That is
one of the cons of being so far away from my Mum and sister, while having a
baby. I would have loved if someone had bought bunches of tulips to spread in
little vases throughout our tiny home (not much of an effort for sure), and
especially in my bedroom and near my nursing station. They would have been
little points of bright color and uplifting, in those long days and nights.
9. Soothing words.
As much as I wanted to be a mom, I was surprised the first
few weeks at just how shaken I felt, how overwhelmed and completely out of
breath. I felt like I had lost some mojo essential to feel like an independent
and capable woman that I once was. Would I ever be able to go back to work? Fit
in my old clothes? Would I ever feel like myself again? Be able to practice
my yoga/pranayam and go to the gym like before? Write
on my blogs regularly? In hindsight, this sounds a little exaggerated, but
those first weeks were uniquely engulfing. I would have been so grateful to
have more people around who said, "You don't feel like yourself, but you
will. You don't feel capable of anything now, but you will."
10. And last but not the least, a night
of sleep.
I was trying to get through this list without acknowledging
that greatest of clichés associated with Mother's Day, sleep for the
sleep-deprived. But just this morning I looked at my husband and said (in my
heart): "All I want for Mother's Day is to sleep all night. Like, for six
hours (or days!)." I know that he understnads. And I don't care if it's
a cliché, those six hours will be so sweet.
These are just my own little wishes for Mother's Day, as
someone fairly new to the game. What about you? Are you or do you have a new
mom in your life, and if so, what's on your gift list?
As always, thank you so much for reading my personal blog.
Please feel free to leave your comments below or email at
pallavibharatgmaildotcom
